


This is not how it works

by cadesaby19



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Samulet Fix-It, Suicidal Sam Winchester, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-05-09 13:07:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5541194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadesaby19/pseuds/cadesaby19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It isn´t like he didn´t know.<br/>How fucked up he is.<br/>He knows because there isn´t one minute when he doesn´t  think about it.<br/>Everytime he looks at his brother, he remembers why he hasn´t eaten in days or throwed up when he does.                                                                                                                                                                                         He knows because Lucifer tells him everytime he has the chance to.<br/>He would tell him how absolutely sick he is (like he doesn´t know himself) and how Dean would abandon him, yell at him, and, when the devil is in a good mood, how his big brother  would kill him. </p><p> </p><p>Sam is tired. Dean doesn´t know how to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It isn´t like he didn´t know.  
How fucked up he is.  
He knows because there isn´t one minute when he doesn´t think about it.  
Everytime he looks at his brother, he remembers why he hasn´t eaten in days or throwed up when he does.  
He knows because Lucifer tells him everytime he has the chance to.  
He would tell him how absolutely sick he is (like he doesn´t know himself) and how Dean would abandon him, yell at him, and, when the devil is in a good mood, how his big brother would kill him.  
To prevent this from happeing, he stopped sleeping. Instead, he watches his Dean (sorry, not his) or goes for a walk, not noticing his brothers concerned eyes following him.  
It isn´t like Dean cares, Sam says to himself,  
Deans (but now Sams) amulet in his pocket was the best evidence.  
He had taken it out of the trash, barely holding back tears, had slid it into the pocket of his jeans and went to the car. He was glad Dean pretended that he didn´t see the tears in his eyes.  
What Sam didn´t know though, is that his brother went back that night.  
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  
Sam threw up again.  
He tried, he really did, but he couldn´t. Everytime he saw food, everytime he smelled food, he-  
He couldn´t keep it.  
It´s worse when Dean was nearby, watching Sam with a disapproval eye, seeing his baby brother losing it. It was epecially hard then, with Dean.  
His brother couldn´t see how weak he really was. What a pathetic loser he was.  
Sam Winchester. The boy with the demon blood.  
Oh yes, he was also a half demon. What a brother he is. Sometimes Sam wondered why Dean didn´t just get rid of him. It would be easier for both of them.

Sam went back to the kitchen (if you could call it a kitchen,damn motels), drank a glass of water and slid on his shoes and his jacket.  
"Where do you think you´re going?" Deans voice ringed through the room.  
"Out",was his brothers only reply.  
"Oh no, Sammy. You stay here, you hear me? You´re not going anywhere."  
"I can take care of myself, Dean"  
Dean snorted.  
"Fuck you Dean", Sam went out into the fresh air.  
"Wait, Sa-"  
Sam closed the door.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  
Dean didn´t understand his brother anymore. Sam´s been so quiet lately. It was like this, before Sam left for Stanford. Dean knew he didn´t sleep, he knew that Sam watched him at night or that Sam couldn´t even keep a sandwich in his stomach.  
Fuck, he even knew-  
Sam used to talk in his sleep, when he did sleep, Dean presumed Lucifer was with him. Sam would talk, he would cry, even scream, and yeah so Dean heard him talking about his feelings for him. How the devil would take advantage of that fact to hurt him.  
Dean didn´t know what to do. To hear that Sam returned his feelings, his so fucked up feeling, is like a dream come true,but he couldn´t-  
God, he couln´t take advantage of his little brother. 

So he decided to pretend he has no idea of Sam´s feelings for him. He decided to not act on it. He decided to treat his brother like always, exept...........more careful. Sam is fragile,you know.

Dean didn´t know that wasn´t careful enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam walked through the town they stayed in (where was it again?) with thoughts running through his head.  
He didn`t think Dean would understand his misery.  
Dean was the charming, complete heterosexual sex-god of every womens (and mens) dreams. And the man of his little brothers dreams. There, they would make out for hours, slowly made their way to their bed and made love the whole night. It was never about sex for Sam. Their (non-existent) relationship was about love and devotion and trust.

Of course, in real life, Dean would not commit incest, he wasn´t as sick as him. 

Sam wondered if Cas knew, as an angel. Would he be ok with it? Castiel understood little about humans and their tradtitions and about their taboos. Would that mean.....  
Sam laughed a little into the hot summer air.  
Of course he wouldn´t be ok with it. It was the greatest sin one could make.  
Sam always wondered if there is something going on between Dean and Cas. Everyone suspected it. The angel and his hunter. And his pathetic younger brother. That´s the story. Tell it your children. They would be perfect together though.  
Obviously Sam can get that. But that´s okay, he made his freedom with it.  
He knew he is an abomination, nothing would ever change that. All he had done,from killing their mum and destroying the family to Ruby and the demon blood and at the end Lucifer (he wasn´t even trying to think about his soulless self).

The younger Winchester stopped when he saw where he was. And that was the problem, he had no idea. He was surrounded by trees, small bushes on the ground showed him the way, bees covered the flowers. He turned around to the direction he came from, only to see........exact the same. He wouldn´t be able to find a way out to get back.  
´Better this way´,Sam thought.  
But then he realized: Dean couldn´t find him either.  
Could that be opportunity he hoped for in a long time?  
It was a nice place for an end, so Sam thought.

The small knife in his pocket was suddenly heavier.  
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  
Dean was restless.  
He knew if he would leave his brother alone any longer, he would do something terrible. And not just apocalypse-bad, but really really bad.  
Of course Sam blamed himself for everything, who wouldn´t, but Dean knew how the Winchesters handle guilt. Or, in this case, didn´t handle it.

*This is Sam Winchesters voicemail. Please say your stuff after the peep*

"Dammit Sam..."

The sun went down, leaving everything dark and cold. Sam wasn´t back yet and Dean knew he wasn´t coming back soon. He didn´t know where to search, the town was small, the bars bad and the beers disgusting.  
Dean strolled to his brothers laptop and search for Sam per GPS.  
He was in a forest about 10 miles away. What was he doing there?  
Dean shuddered, he didn´t want to find out.  
He stood up and made his way to his little brother.  
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°  
Sam was exhausted and tired.  
He laid under a big tree and watched the sun going down. It was all very peaceful, he almost didn´t noticed the pain in both of his arms.

He looked down and watched calm as the blood ran down on his body and sunk in the grass beneath him. He was paralyzed by it, his blood it was so red, he thought it would be black, dark and disgusting like his soul. 

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad  
Take a sad song and make it better  
Remember to let her into your heart  
Then you can start to make it better........"

He couldn´t remember Mary singing it to him, but Dean always tells him how his mother sung Hey Jude when they were kids.  
He listened it at Stanford almost every day, tried not to think of Dean or John too much. Jess catched him singing the song one day and made fun of him for being "so old school" (but she sung it to him at night, to calm him down from nightmares).

Sam smiled softly at the memory.  
He knew it´s almost time, his body is heavy, his eyes closed.

"Hey Jude, don´t be afraid  
You were made to go out and get her  
The minute you let her under your skin  
Then you begin to make it better............."

 

"SAM!"

Sam jerked awake (when did he fall asleep?).  
"SAMMY!"

No, not now. He wasn´t supposed to see.  
"SAMMY! COME ON!"

He sobbed quietly. The sound of wood cracking echoed through the forest.  
Sam got hysterical.  
"SAM!"

And then he saw Dean. And Dean saw Sam.

"Oh god, no no no no no no- Sammy come on. Sto- Shit, SHIT. I gotta make the beeding stop, ´kay,Sammy?"

Sam feeled strong hands wrapping around his wounds. He cried harder.

"Shhh, Sammy,baby boy, it´s gonna be ok. You hear me? It´s gonna be ok. I got you now,shhh..."

"D-Dean, p-please......."

"What do you need Sam?"

"D-Dean-"

Sam kissed him.

And..........Dean kissed him back.  
Sam didn´t understand.

"Dean?"  
"Always been you, Sammy, always. God, love you so much. Sam-"

Sam kissed him again.

"You`re gonna be okay Sam. Whatever it is. we´re gonna make it better. Just please, please, stay strong now. You´ll see, we..."

Sam fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That´s it for today.  
> Next chapter´s gonna hurt, I hope.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: graphic descriptions of the things happening in the last chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> I´m back after apparently a two years writers block. I´m sorry but thanks for leaving kudos and messages, you keep me going.

Sam woke up.  
Dammit.  
Sam woke up and Dean isn't here.  
Sam woke up and his arms hurt and his head hurt and his heart hurt and....... Dean isn't here.

Not that he thought he would.  
But Dean kissed him back, he kissed him back and Sam never regretted more his actions in that moment and the feeling of how alive he could be.

Reality is different though. Reality is Sam waking up after slitting his wrists and not finding any trace of his brother in the room. There was no duffel bag, no bottles of some kind and the bed was clearly not used.  
The thought of 'maybe he dumped me here after reminding himself of what I am' crossed Sams mind and no, that can't be, Dean kissed him.

Dean kissed him when he found him dying on the ground with blood coming out his arms with the rythm of his pulse and of course Dean kissed him when he was in shock and the chance of losing his brother was big and that was probably quite traumatic and people do crazy stuff when they are in shock of course of course of course of course of........

Dean didn't mean it but now he knows and he left him and why is he crying?

 

Sam stood up, his arms covered in little stitches, his clothes covered in blood. His duffel bag lays next to his bad and he grabbed it, going to the door and halfway through opening it, a paper caught his eye.

"Sam,  
I'm sorry, but what happened last night was too much. I am sorry you wanted to do what you did. But I can't handle this, I'm so sorry.  
I'm headed to Bobbys. I'm sorry"

He stared at the letter. One minute, two minutes, an hour?  
His brother left him (he knew that before), didn't write something about....that other thing (he knew he wouldn't) but there is an "I'm sorry" in every sentence (he doesn't mean it). Dean is driving to Bobbys, giving Sam no car, no money except for the 20 Dollars in his pocket, and no "you can come too if you want".

Dean hates him.

Of course he does, why is Sam so surprised?

Sam dropped his bag and somehow landed back on his bed facing the ceiling and welcomes the bland nothingness in his head.

 

°°°°°°°°°°°°  
Dean knew it was a bad idea. A really really shit idea. One of his worsts. Probably the worste. Leaving his brother alone after an attempted suicide was very stupid. Leaving the note was stupid.

Why did he want to go to Bobbys? He forgot but now he is back and opening the door and Sam is laying in his bed not noticing his (rather loud) entrance and stares at the ceiling.

Dean knew something was wrong why didn't Sam move? Something happened.

"HEY!"  
Raising his gun and pointing at at Sams head he shouted "Get up! GET UP!"  
Sam just now acknowledged him standing there and there was such a neutral emotion on his face he had to be possessed.

"I said get up!" 

Sam stood up and said something Dean couldn't hear.

"What?"

"Do you want me to kneel?" he whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"You know, to make it easier for you. Execution style."

Silence.

"I-if you want to do it quick."

More silence.

Dean was speechless, what creature would say that? That made no sense. Unless-

"Sammy?"  
Sam flinched.

Oh no no no no no no no no no god no please no no no

"Oh god Sam it's you I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

"So you don't want me to kneel?"

"What? Oh no no no no no. Of course not, I don't know-"

"Ok, I will lay down while you can think about you want to do"

"No Sammy I won't do anything to you, believe me I thought......"

Why talking more? Sam was asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic I ever made. I hope it was well.  
> English I not my native language, but I enjoy speaking and writing it. I will post soon (or so I hope) wih a much longer chapter, so stay tuned ;)


End file.
